


Death of a Bat-chelor

by ngm



Category: Batman - All Media Types, The LEGO Batman Movie (2017)
Genre: Crush, Known Identity, M/M, Secret Identity, Slow Burn Falling in Love, Unknown Identity
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2018-10-18 04:27:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10609260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ngm/pseuds/ngm
Summary: Based on my headcanon on tumblr that the Joker has a 'thing' for Bruce Wayne and has been sneaking into his parties/galas for months to 'find out stuff about him' as his main goal (so he claims) is to get at those billions.Bruce, however, figures it out shortly and starts messing with the Clown Prince of Crime-- who is steadily becoming more smitten with the bachelor. I've tweaked the idea a little-- and this takes place in a sorta hybrid Batman: TAS and The Lego Batman Movie universe.aka Harley is tolerable.





	1. Letting the Water Fall

**Author's Note:**

> MAY HAVE BEEN HEAVILY INFLUENCED BY THIS -- ahaha, I'm garbage. 
> 
> https://youtu.be/R03cqGg40GU
> 
> and 
> 
> https://youtu.be/P_SlAzsXa7E

 

 

 

"So, do something about it? I don't know what to tell ya..." Harley murmured, her attention dropping back down to the happily yelping hyenas rolling on their backs at her feet. "I mean... look, he is cute, I will give ya that, but Bruce Wayne?"  

She glanced over at the man standing before a full-length mirror, carefully applying his lipstick. Their eyes met in the reflection and she tipped her head to the side, grinning coyly.  

"I mean, you could totally get him, trust me. He's just... _boring?_ "

The Joker's face crumpled in the mirror and he glowered at the short woman, letting out a sigh through his nose as he went back to applying his make-up. 

"He's _mysterious_. And yes, he is handsome. That's not the point!" Twisting the L'Oreal down, the clown whirled, his coattails swinging a bit behind him. "He's an untapped billionaire! Someone has to sweep him off of his feet!" The green haired man growled out, shaking an ungloved hand in the air. 

"And that someone's gonna be _you._ " 

A sharp laugh left the tall, pale man and he rested his hands on his hips, staring down his henchwench. 

"It can be **you** for all I care, it just needs to happen. He's like a lonely, real life Scrooge McDuck without the nephews and cool adventures..." 

"Ya got me there, boo." Harley said with a shrug, attention back to the hyenas. 

"Besides, that whole public eyesore birthday bash that's supposed to be a surprise but they took a full page out in the herald?"  The green haired man began, touching up the corners of his mouth in his reflection with his pinkie finger. 

"This one?" The black and red haired woman was at his side, holding up the well creased and doodled on page of newspaper. 

The Joker's eyes narrowed again and he snatched the page from Harley, crumpling it in a flare of anger. It was tonight and it was supposed to start a few hours before the robbery that they'd planned.

"Yes! Enough Harley,  we have that museum heist with Bane and Eddie! It will be glorious!!" He cackled, pulling a pair of white gloves from his pocket and slipping them on. Have Bane do the hard work and let Nigma get so distracted by the sound of his own voice that he got his ass handed to him by Batman and he and Harley could get away with that big juicy diamond...  "Now get your butt in gear, there's no time to waste!" 

"Okay, Puddin'.." Harley sighed with a smile, rubbing both Bud and Lou until their tails whacked each other and they got distracted with brotherly, hyena in-fighting. It was so entertaining to see Mr.J get worked up about all of this. Poking fun at him about Bruce Wayne was incredibly easy once he'd let it slip that he had some kinda thing for the billionaire. Maybe it was a crush-- that'd be cute, but almost everybody liked Wayne and even Joker had gotten pulled under. 

What Harley wasn't aware of, was how much of an infatuation it actually was. Bordering on struck, not that he'd ever admit it. He'd been ravenous to find out what he could about the bachelor but he knew about as much as the next villain. 

Handsome, single and swinging, lots and lots of money. Kinda philanthropic and the Joker had noticed, a little bit of a defiant streak. Sometimes, if a building was about to be demolished for something trivial, like a parking lot, Brucie would go out of his way to buy the building and make it hallowed ground. 

Kind of a shit-in-disguise move and it was THAT sort of behavior that got the Clown Prince of Crime so smitten. Definitely had nothing to do with the incredibly charismatic smile, the dimples galore, the ' _I would willingly drown in your blue eyes'_ and it definitely wasn't like, if he turned his head just right, he looked just the tiniest bit like Batman... No, no. None of that. 

\- - - 

This was not what he had in mind for his birthday. Actually, he never had ANYTHING in mind for his birthday but ensuring that Gotham was safe-- and who wanted to do anything in February? Let alone five days after being worn out from Valentine's Day. 

Bruce Wayne stood placidly in his overcrowded restaurant, live band playing behind him, people chatting and laughing and dancing, twirling, giggling, all of the things that seemed so basic and trivial. 

But Alfred had planned this _birthday_ thing. 

Alfred had orchestrated this whole... _thing_  and he HAD to comply in whatever loyal, obedient son sort of way, he had to mingle in his own stupid restaurant, an aloof smile on his face as he tried not to peer around the room, staring at the exits, wanting so badly to not be here.  

He was _Bruce_ right now. It was his _birthday_ , not that it mattered. He needed to get through the next few hours of this charade and then he could be back in the Bat Cave, keeping an eye on the rogues that terrorized his city. He hated being Bruce... It was so... _false_. 

A sigh left the raven haired man and he brought his glass to his lips, taking a sip of his non-alcoholic drink. It had all of the dressings of a gin and tonic but was simply water, lime, and a little black straw. 

Every few moments somebody would pass him by and he'd lift the glass, thank them with a tip of his head or a tight grin that forced only one dimple to show. 

He fucking HATED this. 

Even the promise of getting to have probably great sex tonight, if he wanted to, didn't get him as thrilled as the thought of pulling on his suit, adjusting his cowl. He shifted where he stood and decided to excuse himself from the ring of people he was near, the women at his sides making cute little cooing sounds as he backpedaled to take a breath. 

\- - - 

The Lowrider was stashed a block and a half away from the museum, in a long alley that ran behind one of the downtown streets of Gotham City. Miyagani Island actually and the Joker had already dropped his passengers off, idling the purple beast. 

Harley, Bane, and The Riddler were already working on infiltrating the building-- it would likely be as easy as the brute tearing a door off the walls, who cared, that wasn't his department. 

He was in for the distractions, the jokes-- and the Joke was on THEM right now as he peeled the Lowrider up the several more yards to park behind the very restaurant that was hosting Bruce Wayne's shindig. 

The Joker let out a laugh as he hopped out of the car, hands folded behind his back as he casually strolled out of the alley and around the corner of the building. There were people overflowing onto the street, despite it being freezing out; dressed in lavish furs, too many jewels-- Holy crap. Maybe they should just stake out these Wayne parties but he wasn't here for that. 

He was here to catch a glimpse of the birthday boy in person before he was ( _most likely_ ) escorted out. But hey! He had a pretty decent (Not true) reputation! And since this was a public event, he was the public, he could event! Usually, if he had 'behaved' well enough after leaving Arkham or Blackgate, he was given the 'benefit of the doubt', ohhh, how he loved these gullible fleshbags. 

A big grin crossed the Joker's face as he relished the experience of getting lost in a crowd. There was something about him, if he wanted to be seen, all eyes could be on him when he entered a room and the contrary. If he DIDN'T want to be seen, there were ways to move, twist, shift into a room where people weren't sure if they saw what they saw and by the time they went to check again, he'd be gone. 

Now was one of those times.  

This place was friggin _HUGE_ though and the man whirled, picking up a glass of champagne from a passing waiter and took a small sip, nose wrinkling at the bubbles. Oooh, the good stuff. Of **COURSE** , it was the good stuff. 

The Joker glanced around, not meeting any eyes but seeing many, many faces. He was simply looking for one, how hard would it be to find Wayne-do? He could have at least put on a red and white striped shirt for crying out loud. He kept moving, shoulders shifting a little from side to side as he became just a tiny bit distracted by the live band. Good music, ballsy to have a whole brass ensemble but no complaints! 

Crap, this place was two stories, wasn't it -- and the Joker's head shot up to the quarter balcony, the double set of stairs on either side of this swanky place. Okay, he wasn't going to actually SEEK the guy out, it just would have been nice... 

Naturally, as he thought this, his eyes were drawn to the broad-shouldered man in black, who was glancing off across the room, leaning on the railing of the balcony and the Joker let out a little noise, downing the rest of the champagne and setting the glass on a passing waiter's tray. 

_Look at him._ Look at that tall drink of water. Even from across the room and way up there, he was a looker. Good Gravy. 

The clown couldn't help the grin that fell on his face, standing still on the floor suddenly and was bumped into by an older man who was dancing with a much younger woman. As he whirled to address this fool, Bruce looked down, blinking and blinking and blinking again.

He saw green hair, red lips... His eyes widened as he watched those purple coattails swing behind the man, watched his gloved hands grasp the old man's jacket. 

Was that the Joker? 

Bruce watched and time seemed to slow down, his heavy bottomed glass dropping from his hand and smashing to the floor as he turned and headed with steady strides through the throngs of people, trying to get down the stairs as fast as he could. 

"My apologies, my good man!" The clown chirped, patting the man's jacket, feeling a little too elated and he side-stepped the startled party-goer, oblivious to being spotted by Bruce Wayne. 

It was time to split, he'd gotten what he'd wanted and a free drink! And truthfully, the temptation to strike that dirty old piece of shit was too strong. So was the urge to slink up the stairs and get close to Mr. Wayne--- but it could wait until next time. 

The Joker left as easily as he'd entered, unaware to the man who had paused several yards behind him, a puzzled look on his face. And then, of course, he was hit with a -- 

"Happy Birthday Bruce! Thirty-seven looks GREAT on you!" 

"Hah. Thanks..." He'd murmured in response, baffled as to why the Joker had made an appearance at his birthday party... but it left a tiny bit of a smirk on his face for the rest of the night. 

Huh. 

 

The clown was all grins as he hopped back into the lowrider, head tipped to the side as he heard the sirens going off from the museum and started up the car. He threw it in reverse with a cackle, pedal to the floor as he revved back down the alley just in time to intercept his current posse. 

Tonight was a good night!!! 


	2. The Best of the Best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce, after discovering the Joker at his birthday bash-- decides to throw another one in attempt to lure the Clown Prince of Crime in and how could he possibly resist the temptation ?

Batman sat on one of his favorite gargoyles on the west side of Gotham, looming over the city, his lips pressed in a flat line as he gazed out, not really focusing on anything.  
His mind was stuck on the Joker, on the madman making a surprise and rather uncharacteristic appearance at his-- Bruce Wayne's party.

_Why?_

It was no coincidence that the rare Helsinki Diamond had been snatched up the same night-- but he'd seen the Clown Prince of Crime with his own eyes.

He'd watched him whirl out of the restaurant without sticking a knife in somebody... Or setting something on fire. Without shedding one drop of blood-- it was incredibly perplexing.

Did the Joker come to see... _him_?

The idea was absurd and Batman bristled from atop his gargoyle, waiting for anything to come up on his radar. But as he waited, pondered, brooded, as he glowered and frowned and wondered, an interesting, perhaps costly, but definitely complex plan came to mind.

It'd be worth the hassle to see if he was right, that was for sure and... Alfred would be pleased that he was attempting to be more social.

\- - -

"Another one!"  
" **I KNOW!!!** " The Joker practically yelled, holding up the newspaper and pointing to the advertisement. "And so _s_ _oon_..." He murmured, tapping a finger against his chin. "Well, I'm going."

"Big surprise..." Harley murmured, eyebrows raising as she felt the tall man glower at her.  
"What does _THAT_ mean?"

She shrugged, twirling a pigtail around her finger.

"Ya know you haven't shut up about the last one, right?"

The Joker's eyes widened and he stared down his nose at the petite treat.

"Oh really?"

Oblivious to his rage, she continued, mocking him with one puppeting hand.

"Did you know that _I SAW_ Bruce Wayne, with my very own _ACTUAL EYES!!!"_ Harley began to laugh hysterically, flopping back into the Joker's recliner. He quickly shoved the chair forward, dumping her right onto the floor and slid into his favorite seat, crossing his legs over the arm of the worn Lay-Z-Boy.

"You're just jealous."

From her unceremonious heap on the floor, Harley continued to laugh, finally sighing out a breath.  
"Why don't we both go-- it's some Mardi Gras thing, right?"  
"Hmm?"  
"It says on there, masks provided! Plus, it's your colors, boo, Purple, Gold, and Green? That's got your name _allllllllll_ over it-- it's like," She pitched her voice lower, cooing. "--he's throwing it just for _youuuu._."  
"OH SHUT UP HARL!"  
"C'mon J, I want to go too, it's not fair..." Harleen whined, sitting on her knees at his feet. "C'mon. C'mon. C'mon."  
"STOP. Fine. Can you make yourself _DECENT_ enough?"

She stuck her tongue out at that and got to her feet.

"I dunno, probably!"  
"You've got..." The Joker pulled a pocket watch from his vest, flipping it open. "Four hours, is that enough time to fix this?" He said with a wave of his hand, nose wrinkling in mock-disgust.  
" _OH PLEASE_ , I'll be done before you and we both know it."

That did earn a sincere shrug from the clown and he got up, dropping the watch back in his pocket.  
  
"Wanna put a wager on it?"

Harley grinned at that and stuck out her hand, ready to shake-- the silly girl --and was casually zapped by the Joker's buzzer-ring as he grasped her hand.

"You fool!!!" He cackled at her as she crumpled to the floor, nudging her butt with his shoe. "Ready, set, **GO**!" And he split, scrambling from the main room with glee. He'd been thinking about what he was going to wear to this all _WEEK_ and with no nefarious plans scheduled for tonight, why not indulge?

"No... fair..." The black and red haired woman croaked out, slowing getting to her feet with a grin. " **CHEATER!!!!** "

From somewhere in the safe house, she could hear the Joker cackling and set about getting ready as well. At least all of this had him pretty regularly distracted and in a fair-to-decent mood. Totally got his mind off of Batman for a few...

\- - -

Bruce felt uncharacteristically anxious, adjusting the collar of his purple dress shirt. The gold blazer he had on and matching slacks were incredibly distracting but... why not be the man dressed in bright gold at his own party?

Another venue, another restaurant that he owned and another impromptu party-- only two weeks since the birthday bash... But everyone wanted a reason to get drunk on a Tuesday, right?

Worried that the events might be too close together, Bruce seemed to forget about the boredom of the wealthy and it was strong. _Another_ party? Another _Bruce Wayne_ party? _Everybody_ was here. And each of those bodies were dressed in green, gold, white and purple. It was almost dizzying.

Alfred was quite eager to organize another get-together, he seemed almost chuffed. Well, that made the billionaire feel a little better about the whole charade, even if it was all a long-drawn scheme to see what the Joker was up to... His butler and confidant was not privy to that tidbit and took his employer's decision to host another party as a challenge he was willing to accept. Keeping Bruce out of the cowl was a secret goal of his own, after all.

But tonight, each one of those vague faces from the 19th of February had a half-mask to cover their eyes, some with Jester's bells, some with feathered flourishes and sparkles---All of them bright and garish and almost overwhelming to look at. Bruce couldn't help the smirk as he'd seen what had arrived; dozens upon dozens of masks that looked like something the Joker would be happy to wear. He had practically invited that narcissist to this event and billionaire would be damned if he didn't know the clown well enough to assume he'd show his pretty face.

What?

_What._

Adjusting the mask he'd set over his eyes Bruce glanced around the room at the sea of bodies.  
Well, this might actually be a little bit of a challenge and he smirked into yet another glass of water that looked like a gin and tonic, lime and black straw again. Though he was used to wearing a mask almost nightly, he wasn't used to wearing one as Bruce, nor was he used to one that was so bright in his periphery, yes this might actually make this party fun. 

\- - -

  
Tonight, they'd not bothered with hiding the low rider, parking not far off and strolling arm in arm to 'La Maison Galicia', the French place that Bruce Wayne owned.

To say they were dressed flashy was moot-- that was the whole point, it just so happened that Harley and the Joker had a full arsenal of obnoxiously garish garments and the clown, well, he had a whole department store's worth of outfits to mix and match. The bi-color-haired woman was not wrong when she'd wagered that she'd be ready, _HOURS_ earlier than the lanky man. After all, _he_ had someone to impress--- _SHE_ was just bored.

But she didn't look like a tramp, which the clown prince had praised her at length for.

 

  
"Look at you, Harl! It's like you climbed out of that red and black trash can after so many years!" Oh, he was such a sweet talker and she twirled in a sparkly green kimono-style dress with gold trim. "You look like confused St.Patrick's Day and Chinese New Year!" He howled, shaking her by the shoulders with a great big smile. Because by comparison, he was going to be dazzling no matter what-- a white suite with purple trim, hard dark lines and big gold buttons. A great big fake green iris sat perched in his front pocket that matched his emerald silk shirt and his bright green gator-skin (Sorry, Waylon!!) boots topped off the ensemble. It was rather subtle for him, but it'd be easier to sneak around than if he were wearing something ridiculous like a sparkly gold blazer...

 

"Well, damn." Harley whistled, blindly accepting whatever mask was handed to her and snapping it around her head. She looked up at the Joker and held in a scoff. The mask he was given could have easily just been his face with glitter thrown in it. Long, pointy nose, purple and green glitter checker print pattern and gold swirls coming off of the side. It was HILARIOUS and Harleen, who had something vaguely resembling green cat-eye shapes and gold and purple feathered lashes managed to stifle herself, JUUUST BARELY.

"Oh, go away." The Joker hissed as he adjusted his mask, twirling the girl away from him and pivoting into the crowd.

No really. _Go away._

Harley didn't really mind being separated from her partner in crime for the time being, eager to find a place to stake out and see if he actually got a chance to get close to Bruce Wayne. Though... she had to find him too, didn't she? _Dammit..._

However, it was just as easy for the Joker to figure out who Bruce was (What a laughably hideous jacket, _seriously_ ), as it was for the disguised vigilante to pick out the clown.  
He hadn't spent years chasing the other man to not be able to pick out the shape of his body, even from behind.

That wasn't weird.

Bruce watched as the Joker lifted his arms in the air, moving along with the loud music that was playing, shifting between people like a man on a mission and it made his jaw clench. What. What the HELL did he want with Bruce Wayne?

Taking another sip of his disguised water, the man in the gold blazer began to slowly weave through the crowd as well, grateful for the mask as it was easier to move through these buzzed party-goers without being constantly talked at. He just... wasn't trying to look like he was stalking after the man as much as he was.

The Joker narrowed his eyes behind his mask, finally picking up a glass of something blue from a passing waiter and hesitated before bringing it to his lips, scanning the room. That big gold eyesore was not were he'd been a moment ago and the clown felt a rush of exhiliration. The chase was on! He'd get a moment with Bruce if he had to cause a goddamn scene!

The drink tasted exactly how the clown thought it would, like BLUE and cologne, it was vile and very, very sweet. Eh, not terrible and we wandered around, trying to appear as casual as a madman could as he swayed with the music.

Taking another sip from his glass, he whirled, eyes going wide as he smashed his elbow into a glittery gold blazered shoulder. The Joker was forced to suck down the rest of the booze, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before any of the blue liquid could drop to his immaculate suit.

"Oh, I'm so sorry..." Bruce Wayne rumbled in that faux-sincere way of his, grasping the slightly taller man's elbow. "Are you okay?"

Neither knew that the other man knew who they were, a complex and petty charade if there ever was one.

"Me? Never better-- but I've gone empty..." The Joker murmured back, unable to keep the sway from his long legs as the music got the better of him while he wiggled his empty glass at Bruce Wayne.

_Holy crap._

It was hard not to grin like the fool he was while in such close proximity to his infatuation. _Man_ , he was a looker; the mask he had on was awfully distracting, coupled with the gold glittery jacket, it was almost hard to focus on his infuriatingly perfect face. Even harder for someone who was too dumbstruck to notice that incredibly familiar jaw line.

"Oh, that shouldn't be a problem here..." Bruce replied, plucking the glass from the Joker's hand and as if he were, say, the host of the party, another waiter had swooped by and replaced the one empty glass with a full one.

"Would you look at that..." The clown murmured, taking the glass from billionaire's hand with a nod of thanks. "You'd think you were Bruce Wayne with the pull you've got..."

Oh, the urge was strong to flip up the mask but Bruce snorted, raising his glass to the other man.

"If I were so lucky."

He was surprised to find the Clown Prince of Crime raising his glass, meeting him in a cheer.

"Guy's a catch and a half." And he clinked the top, then bottom, then top of his glass to Bruce Wayne's and smirked as he took a sip, watching those blue eyes widen just a fraction beneath his mask.

Heh.

The Joker then lifted his other hand, wiggling his fingers at the big man in the gold blazer and twirled into the crowd of people, off to find Harley-- they could get RIGHT the hell out of here now-- any more time in this joint and he'd start screaming with glee.

He'd spent more time trying to find the short woman than he had trying to cross paths with Mr. Wayne... and would have been seething with impatience if he hadn't gotten a longer moment with the man than expected.

And Mr.Wayne was utterly dumbfounded, having hardly moved from where he'd touched his glass to the clown's.

What did he say?

Catch and a half?

Well, this plot was just thickening, wasn't it...


	3. Do I Look Lonely?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another planned party for the Spring and Bruce is still at odds as to why the Joker is so interested in Bruce... and why he's so intrigued by it, rather than being concerned.

 

Bruce sighed, standing in front of his bathroom mirror, hardly able to keep his eyes open having taken the hottest shower that Gotham Public Works could provide after an hour-long chase and an equally as long hand-to-hand battle with the Joker; it was understatedly in order. 

 

Tonight and it seemed an awful lot of nights recently, had matched him against his arch-nemesis and though the stance was familiar, the banter was regular, he couldn't shake how affected he'd been by what the clown had murmured to a disguised Bruce Wayne those few weeks ago. 

 

'Catch and a half'? Okay. So, he *knew* what it meant... it general terms. But from the JOKER, who was in disguise?  Why was he was playing this game for whatever sinister reason...  with Bruce Wayne? And there was really no way he could have KNOWN he was talking to Bruce... right? 

 

It was an irritating buzz in his ear, a thought that kept distracting the Dark Knight as he faced off against his foolish foe. 

 

What did the Joker want with Bruce? 

 

As he flipped the purple clad man, who was cackling naturally, Batman decided that he'd have to set another trap, another party, to see if he could get the clown to come to him. A smirk was stifled as he threw a punch to the Joker's gut, watching him stumble back with a delighted look on his face, blood from a punch to the mouth running down his chin. 

 

"Oh Bats! You sure don't pull any punches!" He groaned with a titter and a pair of Bat-Cuffs were pulled out of the utility belt. "Already?!"  Wrists thrust out to the big man in black from where he'd crumpled from that punch, the clown fluttered his eyelashes up at the frowning vigilante. "Well if you insist..." 

 

As the cuffs were locked around the Joker's wrists, he let out a bark of a laugh, slipping his hands from the mock-pair Batman had just arrested and he raised his spatted feet to kick up at the Bat's chin, knocking his head back and springing up with a howl. 

 

"Hey, wanna give me a hand?" He waved both ungloved palms at the Batman before looking over the edge of the roof-- his ride should be here and did a mock-salute before flopping backward off of the building. Eyes widening beneath the cowl, Bruce flung the wasted cuffs down and ran after his favorite foe, watching him pull a big bright yellow cloth from his sleeve, mid-air mind you, and hold it in both hands, a smiley face unfurling on the makeshift parachute before it was discarded and the clown dropped with an annoying amount of grace into his waiting vehicle. 

 

"Well?"

"9 out of 10, Mr. J!"

"NINE?"

"I mean, the dismount coulda been tighter." 

 

Harley peeled off, the smiley-face cloth fluttering into a puddle in the alley as they sped away. 

 

Batman had watched, hands gripping the edge of the roof as he stared at the car roaring off. He could have gotten the Joker... but he'd gotten the Helsinki Diamond back and... he didn't want to make it too difficult for the clown to show up at the next party.

 

 

Bruce wiped the condensation that had accumulated on his bathroom mirror in the time he'd spent reminiscing about the night's events and frowned at himself.

 

What is wrong with you? This isn't a game, is it? He could KILL someone. But he hasn't... He's... occupied. 

With Bruce.

 

"With _me_?" He exhaled at his reflection and gave into the guilty urge to smirk at himself. Hmm... Even the Joker couldn't resist him. 

 

\- - - 

 

There had been several weeks between Bruce Wayne-related things and the Joker found himself getting trite and irritated quite a bit faster than normal. It definitely had absolutely nothing to do with his desire to see... anyone. 

 

At least he could still feel remotely pacified with Batman. 

 

The clown let out a sigh, going even more liquid in his recliner and stared at the tv but wasn't really watching. March had come and gone and he'd hoped like the fool he was, that there might be some kind of St. Patrick's Day shindig but it came and went and as the days ticked on, he soured like a quart of forgotten milk in the back of the fridge. 

 

"HEY! J!!! WHERE ARE YA??" 

 

_Ughhhh.._. Harley was a real, genuine doll... But when he was already feeling annoyed, she was like an entire table of people at Olive Garden, flipping bread sticks, spilling water, shaking their spicy meatball hands, all rolled into one petite little cretin. 

 

"What."

"You might wanna see this, booboo." The black and red haired woman spun into the room, stuck back in her rollerskate phase and yes, even that was annoying. 

"I promise you unless it somehow has to do with Gotham City spontaneously combusti-- REALLY!?"  The Joker interrupted himself, with himself, his vision of the television blocked by the full-page ad about Bruce Wayne's Late April Spring gala -- on the 25th no less. 

 

The clown's brows furrowed for a moment... that date was meant to mean something, to someone... some time ago, but now, it just meant---

 

"FINALLY!!!" 

"Aww... you are so cute..." Harley murmured, patting that green head and her hand was batted away as the Joker stood, a wide, wobbly smile crossing his face. Ugh... Finally.

"Shushhh shut up Harl, I gotta think.." His brows furrowed despite the stupid grin on his face and the madman started to pace. This was just a party-party... What would be the best way to show up and bump into Bruce..?

 

The former psychiatrist stood back and watched, idling on her skates as she rubbed her chin with one hand. Hmmm... He's got it bad. Super-bad. 

"So... it's not a crush, right?" 

"Huh-- what? What did you say?" The Joker whirled, staring down at the indifferent woman. 

"Well... I mean, with B-Dubs, it's about the money, right?"

 

The clown paused, his face faltering before he raised up a pointer finger.

"....Yeeeessssss. The money." And then nodded. "Yes." And nodded again. "The money." 

 

Harley's eyes narrowed as she fixed her boss with a restrained smirk.

"Mmhmm..." 

"Oh stop it! I don't have a crush on anybody!" The Joker threw his hands up in the air in exasperation. "I am TOO BUSY doing the crime! Criminal things! Criminally INSANE things!" He wiggled his fingers for emphasis, an 'oooOooOOoOOoooo' accompanying the gesticulation. 

"Okayyy... so do you have a plan on how to get at that loot then?" 

"Eh... Yes. After tonight, I'll have it all figured out! Now shoo! Go... burgle something, somewhere else!" he barked quickly, rolling up the newspaper and attempting to swat her. "GO!!!" 

"Ack!!" The shorter criminal squawked and skated away with a laugh. 

He was sooooo transparent. 

 

\- - - 

 

"Er... Master Wayne, a moment if I may?" Alfred asked, tipping his head so that his reflection was in view of Bruce's 3-way mirror. 

"Sure Alfred, what's up?" 

"Sir... about tonight's party?" 

 

Bruce glanced up at him from where he was adjusting his tie. Nice, simple white suit. Black bowtie. Damn if he didn't look good in anything. He could go downstairs to this massive Wayne Manor patio party in a bathrobe if he wanted to and still be a total babe. 

 

"Yeeees?" 

 

"Sir... A little intel about tonight's event... It appears that at the last TWO events you've held, we have noted the presence of the Joker--" 

 

The billionaire froze for a second. Dammit. Damn. Darn. Shucks. Shit even. 

 

"I know." 

 

The butler's eyebrows rose and he waited patiently for his employer to continue.

 

"...I noticed him at the first one in February... I mean, it's hard not to notice the hair. And the lips." 

Alfred tipped his head to the side at that, just a fraction. 

"I've been throwing these parties to see if he'll show up, why he has a sudden interest in Bruc-- Me." The vigilante said while clearing his throat and turned. "How do I look?"

"Spectacular as ever, sir." 

 

Alfred fixed his surrogate son with a long look... So Bruce knew, eh..? 

 

"Well, as we are both on the same page, I have added extra measures as a precaution, should he show up this evening."

"No, reverse that." 

"What?"

"I WANT him to come, make it easier for him to get here. I need him to show his face, I have to find out why he's interested in me." Bruce murmured, not realizing how petulant he sounded. 

"...As you wish, sir. The guests should be arriving in the next two hours."

"Ooh, just enough time for a movie!" 

 

\- - - 

 

This party was a little different... more intimate... it was ACTUALLY at Wayne Manor and that tidbit alone was why the clown was adamant about leaving his hench wench behind. He didn't need to be worrying about her stealing silverware or trying to one up him. 

He DID have a plan, after all. 

Charm Bruce Wayne, (almost) to death!!! 

 

The thought made a giggle leave him, rather than the cackle he'd intended but it wasn't as if he'd even noticed. There was a FERRY to freakin' Wayne Island for this event and the anticipation of actually getting to the place where Bruce Wayne SLEPT and exercised and did all of his weird lonely bachelor stuff was making him feel way too jazzed. 

 

It almost made him well behaved. 

 

Well, if discounting the half a dozen whoopee-cushions he'd delicately set around this ferry, then yes. He was on his best behavior.

 

As the merry sounds of fake flatulence on a ferry rang out, the Clown Prince of Crime gazed out over Gotham Bay, grinning as he kept his back turned to the minor mayhem he'd started. Ahhh... tonight was a lovely night... Tonight, maybe he'd make a move! 

 

It's not as if he could expect that Bruce Wayne would also be anticipating his arrival, nearly holding his breath until that green head of hair came into view... and he let out his breath in a sigh that was almost more relieved than anything else. 

 

Bruce stood in a circle of debutants, head whipping up as soon as he watched the man of his hour cautiously saunter into the party... It was so odd to see the Joker act like a person... And yes, that sounded kind of rude, but this was kind of new for him... Eyes locked on the man in a lavender suit, mint green shirt, no tie-- even when he dressed down, he was still eye catching...

 

"--Bruce?" 

"Huh?"

 

The woman to his right smiled at him, shaking her head a little. 

 

"Thoughts? On the mayoral run?"

"Oh... it's of no consequence to me, so... Will you ah, excuse me?" 

 

And with a squeeze to the redhead's arm, he strolled away, in the opposite direction of where the Joker was but with every intention of getting his attention.

 

 


	4. Cutting My Mind Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> April 25th, a subtle Spring Gala and Bruce finally attempts to get an answer--- It just may not be the one he's seeking.

The clown's gaze was drawn first, to of course, the one and only Bruce Wayne and then... oh dammit all... there was a white grand piano sitting out here, looking like something Liberace would be unable to resist and the man in the light lavender suit was drawn to it; fingers tracing along  the exposed keys and from there he couldn't stop sneakily peeking around before sitting on the unoccupied bench. 

 

And for Bruce... It was easier to break away from his circle of 'friends' than it was at this moment to keep his brow from furrowing in a  Batman-like manner as he whirled to face the direction the Joker had been and suddenly didn't see that green head. 

Shit. Is _THIS_ how it begins? 

 

Still, he couldn't make any sort of a scene at his own party and took a calming breath, seeking an actual drink this time as he went to confront the Joker on his own turf. Tonight, he'd get some answers. 

 

Maybe they'd even be to the questions he was asking. 

 

As a whiskey neat found it's way into his right hand, Bruce Wayne took another deep breath, forcing his mask back on as he shifted in his suit. At least his tie was black. At least he could feel a little bit like himself... and seeking out the Joker had become something of an almost habit these days. Familiar at best. 

 

A small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth at the thought and the incognito vigilante moved around the mingling people, his brow back to struggling not to crinkle as he noticed a small crowd accumulating around the decorative piano. There was even a live band playing, yet again, a small brass ensemble and a string quartet and still the sound of the piano being played rose above the chatter.

 

It had to be him. 

 

Of course, Bruce was right as he sauntered to the tail end of the crowd, eyes skimming over the pleased faces of the people swaying along with the accelerando playing. His gaze landed on the Joker and he rose his glass and took a small sip, eyes narrowing at as the clown prince of crime pounded away on the ivories, not yet noticing him. 

 

Bruce waited until everyone else did, the murmurs of ' _Oh, this guy is amazing_ ' to ' _Oh, look who's here!_ ' and he kept his eyes, still on the Joker, waiting for the gaze to slide to him. It felt like a small eternity as that pale face tipped back, those dark-lined eyes widened just a fraction and the smile split a little wider. 

 

_There it was..._

 

The billionaire smiled back, raising his glass at his arch-nemesis and felt a little wave of delirious anticipation roll over him. He was going to get an answer tonight, dammit all. He just knew it. 

 

Standing, The Joker stepped away from the bench and bowed a little bit, holding up one hand in mock-modesty as the pile of people began to disperse. All but Mr. Wayne. 

 

"Nice playing there..." Came the low murmur from the black haired man as he moved around the piano and held out his hand in an offer of a shake. 

"Oh, why thank you..." The Joker replied smoothly, taking the hand and leaning down to press a kiss to the top of it. He grinned as Bruce quickly pulled back his offended limb and blinked at the other. 

"Ohh.. uh... heh." _WHAT THE **HELL**._  

"Sorry, couldn't resist. Bruce Wayne, I presume?" Unable to keep the dazzled grin from his face, the Joker folded his arms behind his back, wringing his hands in idiot agony. _What the **HELL** did he just do!? _

"Heh.... Well, yes. You presume right." And Bruce daringly reached his hand back out to the clown, watching him carefully. 

"The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Wayne." The Joker purred in response, this time actually grasping his hand and shaking. No buzzer ring, no fake hand and feeling the other man's firm, almost normal hand grasping his own bare one was quite a unique experience for the vigilante. 

 

Maybe even more so than the graze of the red lips against his knuckles. 

 

"Certainly not..." Bruce squeezed back and his grin went a little more on the smirk-side of things. "What, ah, is _your_ name, green-haired stranger?" 

 

The Joker tipped his head to the side, squeezing Bruce's hand back, almost too playfully for their lack of formal introduction, then dropped the bigger hand and flared out his lavender blazer collar, a true grin on his face. 

 

"You don't know who I am?"  He murmured slyly and for a moment Batman was thrown for a loop. Maybe... the Joker _DID_ know he was Bruce... maybe this was some elaborate ruse and his eyes flicked to every corner of the deck for henches or Harley for a few fleeting seconds before back on the other man.

 

"You're the Jo---" 

"Shh, shh, shhh.... Call me... J for now, mm? I'm being good, aren't I? No need to get any untoward attention, don't want Batman showing up." He scoffed, grinning that dazzling grin at him and Bruce faltered. 

"Ahh..hah... No. No, we don't. He'd probably be over-dressed anyway." The billionaire murmured and the Joker's face brightened. 

"Ooooh, aren't we funny!" 

 

The incognito Batman shrugged at that, taking a sip of his drink and tipped his head to regard the taller man. 

 

"Do you want something?" 

"You-- wait _what_?" The clown began, blinking at the other. 

" _Huh?_ "

" _What?_ "

"-- to drink?" Bruce continued, hailing one of the waiters carrying glasses of guava bellinis over. 

"Oh! Yes, definitely, I'm wasting away over here..." The Joker murmured, plucking a glass from the silver platter passing by him with a lifted pinkie finger. Bruce watched this, still not sure why the criminal was here... what he was up to. It was terribly perplexing but it gave him a reasonable excuse to loiter around the other man.

"Cheers then, to...?"

"To another Bruce Wayne party, may there be an infinite amount of reasons to celebrate." The clown interrupted, grinning as he tipped his fluted glass to the billionaire's already sipped on whiskey. 

"To that, then." Blue eyes flicked over the subdued looking Joker, watching as he drank, as he began to sway again with the  _actual_  music playing in the background and Bruce stood with him, watched, feeling oddly at ease. Maybe it was the whiskey. 

 

"Nice digs ya got here, Brucie." 

"Hmm?" 

 

The Joker finished his drink quickly and set it down on the piano, gesturing around at the vast patio. 

 

"Must be nice having a little island just to yourself..."

"It has its benefits." Bruce took another sip of his drink, nearly done and glanced over the rim of his glass at the other.

"Bet it gets a little lonely though." The clown murmured back, folding his arms behind himself as he gazed at the horizon. "...but getting to keep enough of a distance from the muck and mayhem of Gotham has to be worth the trade off." 

"Do I look lonely?" The black haired man blurted suddenly as if he hadn't been paying attention entirely. He had been, this was the _JOKER_ after all, but there was something about the neutrality of this new dynamic that allowed him the slight grace of toeing this new line.

"Sometimes..." The Joker replied almost too softly, still looking out at the horizon. "I know the feeling though, my dear." He turned and smiled at Bruce, head tipped to the side. "It only goes away when I cross paths with _you-know-who_." 

"Is that so?" The aforementioned breathed out, blinking back his surprise and masking it with a smile. 

"Mmm, maybe you need to find yourself a nemesis."

"Who says I don't already have one."

"If you mean the tabloids, then bravoooo!" The Joker chirped with a golf-clap and his smile widened as Bruce mock-bowed. 

"How did you know."

"Well, they are nosey, relentless little shits. I mean, how many times do they have to publish that you're gay? It's okay, the world is fine with it. More than fine with it. Do your thing." The green-haired man said with such utter nonchalance and the straightest face that the Batman had ever seen on him.

 

Bruce laughed at that, tickled for a moment at the fool's words and decided that maybe he shouldn't consume any alcohol at all around the clown if he was going to keep showing up at these events. He set down his glass next to the Joker's on the piano and pressed his hand to his sternum, allowing himself this rarity of finding something that the clown said truly funny. 

 

The Joker felt like he could die happily at this moment. Yes, it was incredibly foolish of him, but he had Bruce Wayne in minor hysterics and somehow, even after being confronted by the man of the hour himself, wasn't asked to leave. It didn't hurt that the sound of Bruce's laugh was more intoxicating than any of the alcohol available... and he couldn't help but stare. 

 

"My God, you're handsome." the clown murmured, reaching over to finish the rest of Bruce's glass of whiskey. 

"Hmm?" Bruce eyed him and it took all of his strength and resolve to not drop his mouth open in mortified shock.

"Nothing, nothing, I accidentally finished your drink, let me get another..." The Joker breathed out quickly, wiggling the glass with the perfect set of lip marks on it before setting it back down on the piano.

"Don't worry--" But before he could finish, the taller man had moved to slip into the crowd. 

Not again. 

Bruce's hand grasped at the Joker's retreating arm and caught him. It was such a familiar pose that both were hit with a wave of deja-vu and as the clown whirled back to face the billionaire, a retort ready to slide off of his tongue for the Batman, he paused and stumbled into that chest.

"Gotcha." The vigilante exhaled, too close to his Batman voice and the Joker barked out a laugh.

"I've had too much to drink already!" The clown laughed against the other's chest and pushed away a little bit, daring to look up. 

"You're quite the light-weight..." Bruce let go of his wrist and smoothed his own blazer down, his cocky look stuck on his face as he tried not to feel so overwhelmed by the Joker. He could be faking it. He could be trying to see what he could get away with... but why? 

"Mmm, something like that. Maybe just a little crazy."

"I think that's been confirmed through Arkham?" The billionaire teased, feeling like his world was shrinking back down to just focus on this man. Why did it always have to be him? 

"Several times!" 

Another laugh left Bruce Wayne at that and inwardly, he cursed himself, unable to stop from staring at the clown, to keep from... What was this, flirting?

 

"Bruce!" The two men whipped their heads towards the voice of what was the red-head from earlier and the Joker cringed as the billionaire flinched. They parted even further and the Joker glanced off for another waiter. Maybe one more drink before he skipped this joint. 

 

"I... should go see what she wants." Bruce murmured, jerking a thumb towards the woman and the Joker tipped his head back towards the black haired man. 

"Mmm, right, right. I'll catch you later, Brucie."

"Brucie, huh?"

"Yup." The Joker grinned at that and he watched the lonely billionaire shrug a little with enough of a smile to produce a single dimple. 

"See you around then... J."

 

The vigilante let himself get drawn away from the white piano with the two discarded glasses on top of it, watching the Joker send him a finger-wiggle of a wave before disappearing into the throng of people. 

 

Well... he'd gotten at least one answer tonight. 

 

The Joker had a goddamn crush on him.  

 

The Joker had a  _crush_ on him. 


	5. Shadows On My Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In hot pursuit, Batman manages to wrangle a moment with the Joker... to talk about Bruce Wayne with a little insinuative music playing in the background.

 

 

 

"Good luck catching us, Bats!!!" The red and black haired woman screamed into her bullhorn from where she was perched in the way-way back of the Lowrider. At the wheel, the Joker cackled wildly, weaving in and out of traffic in the gigantic purple beast as the Bat-Mobile tailed them. 

 

"I don't need luck, I'm Batman..." the aforementioned growled to himself as he followed the car, eyes stuck on the back of that green head. 

The Joker. 

_The Joker._

The _goddamn_ Joker. 

That stupid man had been in his head for weeks now and it was driving him insane. Maybe **THAT** was the whole goal. To make him lose his mind, thinking non-stop about why. All of the whys. 

Bruce jerked his steering wheel to the left suddenly, almost thrown with how the clown was navigating and SO IRRESPONSIBLY. UGH. Then slammed his foot to the floor, driving just as recklessly. 

 

Bet he wouldn't be doing this if he knew that he was really Bruce Wayne. 

 

The thought of revealing his identity to the green-haired man made him smirk suddenly and the Bat-Mobile almost spun out as he took a right turn too hard and the Notorious Lowrider was able to put more distance between them.

_Dammitall!!!_

 

"NICE TRY, BATBRAIN!!!!" The Joker now screamed, having swapped positions with Harley and he was climbing over the back seats as the car careened at over 70MPH. 

 

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!! -- Bruce wanted to scream, but it would be futile as he was sealed in the car... what a fool he was.

 

The sudden strike of panic that hit him in the chest was like getting punched by Bane and Batman stared at the other man, now more mortified that he'd do something to get the guy thrown off of the back of the vehicle than anything else.  It didn't even dawn on him that he was shifting  the car into SDA (Self-Driving Autonomous) Mode and unfastening his safety harness. In a smooth motion, he'd opened the roof the car and unholstered his grapnel gun, aiming it at the man who was turned around and frustratingly shaking his-- oh, come _ON!_  

 

He didn't hesitate to fire the grapnel at the Joker's butt, smirking as it wrapped around his waist and yanked the be-purpled man from the back of the lowrider through the air and into the Bat-Mobile. 

 

Shoved down and seated, the Dark Knight closed the roof and flicked off the SDA, whipping the car down a side street, away from the purple vehicle it'd been following. In the passenger's seat, the Joker stared, open-mouthed and it took all of Bruce's strength, yet again in the presence of this fool not to smile. 

 

"W--What? _How_...?" The clown gestured between the two of them, turning his palms up as he stared agape at the Batman. " **REALLY?** Just like _THAT?!_ " He barked and sat back in the bucket seat in a huff, arms crossing over his chest petulantly. 

 

"Put your seatbelt on." 

"Hn." But the Joker did, making a sulky sound as the harness snapped into place. "You're taking me to GCPD, then?" 

 

There was no answer from the Bat, who had an almost reserved smug look on his face as he fiddled with his touch screen. 

"Hey, Batgirl, Harley Quinn is going to be at your cross-street in less than--"

"--I got her!" Barbara replied too cheerfully before the audible sounds of microphoned scuffle bombarded the speakers of the Bat-vehicle.

"Ugh no, not that..." Batman muttered, flipping the station from the radio feed to the actual radio, all while the Clown Prince of Crime still watched in shock. He did, at this point, have to close his mouth as it was just too much to mouth breathe and stare all at once. 

 

Bruce tensed for a nanosecond when a familiar song came on-- it'd be easy to just turn off the radio... but _what the hell_. 

 

_~~I know there's no form, and no labels to put on, to this thing we keep, and dip into when we need,~~_

 

"Heard you have a thing for Bruce Wayne." The Batman murmured over the music, keeping his eyes on the road. 

 

_~~And I don't have the right,  to ask where you go at night, But the waves hit my head, To think someone's in your bed.~~_  

 

The Joker turned to face him, barking out a shrill, almost caught-off-guard sort of laugh. 

"Do I now!? Who have you been talking to, _Harley_?" Damn herrrrrrrr... She was **dead meat** when he got outta this!!! 

 

"Bruce." Was the Batman's clipped reply as he had to press his tongue to the roof of his mouth to keep from grinning as he listened to the clown suck in a sharp breath. 

 

_~~I get a little bit Genghis Khan, I don't want you to get it on, With nobody else but me, With nobody else but me~~_

 

"Oh...yeah?" The retort died in his throat  as he blinked at the thought of Batman and Bruce Wayne... talking about _him_ of all people.  "Did he tell you how actually charming I am?" 

 

The Dark Knight snorted at that, shaking his head once as he followed the coastline of Miagani Island, away from the GCPD. 

 

_~~I get a little bit Genghis Khan, Don't want you to get it on, With nobody else but me, With nobody else but me~~_

 

"He said you kissed his hand." 

"Jealous?" The Joker hissed quickly, almost sounding hopeful, his eyebrows raising as he tented his fingers together. 

" **HA**! How could I be jealous of my-- roommate? That's not cool." Batman rumbled, clearing his throat as he glanced at the clown prince, then back to the road. 

 

_~~And the lights, they glow, Like I just lost the World War, And the scene slips away, To the evenness I fake~~_

 

"How come you're never at any of his parties then? Doesn't he invite you?" The green haired man asked, eyes narrowing a little. 

"I've got better things to do than watching rich people stand around and get hammered." 

"Yeah? Like what?" The Joker snorted, arms still crossed.

 

_~~It's a cheat somewhere, 'Cause I don't really want you, girl, But you can't be free, 'Cause I'm selfish, I'm obscene~~_

 

"..." The Dark Knight gestured between them, as the clown had earlier. "This." 

"...Touché, Batsy." 

"Besides, I mean, we're roommates, I don't want to have to hang out with him all the time." 

"Why not... he's... nice."

"Nice? He's a rich, lonely brat." 

"He's nice to _me_." 

 

_~~I get a little bit Genghis Khan, I don't want you to get it on, With nobody else but me, With nobody else but me~~_

 

Was he? Had he been? Had he been... noticeably nice to the Joker and not even freaking noticed?

 

"Huh."

"What's it to you, anyway Bats?" The Joker leaned towards him, eyes narrowed still. "It's not like _YOU'RE_ Bruce Wayne under there." 

" _Oh_ , I should be so lucky." Batman snorted, whirling the car in direction of one of the Joker's deep Gotham safehouses. Yes, he knew it was there. He knew where ALL of the hideouts were. 

 

_~~I get a little bit Genghis Khan, Don't want you to get it on, With nobody else but me, With nobody else but me~~_

 

"Wha...?" Was all the clown could breathe as he reeled back, hit with another little wave of deja-vu and felt his heart start to pound in his chest, hell, it HAD been slamming against his ribcage, but it was quite distracting all of a sudden. 

 

"I mean, he already knows that you and I are, _you know_..." 

 

The clown just gaped, hardly listening to the other, running a hand through his hair as he looked at that face, at that mouth, those lips. Oh, _no fucking way._ No way. _**No way**_. **NO WAY**!!!! **NO WAY!!!!!!!**  

 

_Breathe_. 

 

_~I wanna make up my mind, But I don't know myself, No I don't know myself~_

 

"Enemies?" The clown managed to exhale, forcing out a little titter as he squeezed the back of his neck and shifted his gaze away from that stupid perfect mouth and out the windshield. 

 

How had he not noticed? How? It was so... obvious. 

 

_**ARGH!!!!!!** _

__

"Right. And he's fine with it... I mean. It's not like... he's admitted to liking you or anything like that, I just wanted to make sure we were at least clear on this part." The Batman rumbled,  turning down one of the narrower alleys that led to the elusive safehouse. 

 

The Joker whipped his head to look at the Batman again, then at his hands, at the gloved fists grasping the Bat-shaped steering wheel a little too tight. 

 

Hmm.. This kinda made it that much more fun, didn't it... 

 

"Well, I like him. _A lot_." 

_~~I wanna make up my mind, But I don't know myself, No I don't know myself~~_

 

" _A lot_ a lot?" Batman murmured, head tipping to the side a bit as he endeavored to stay undemonstrative. 

"Oh _yes_. Like... I want to do adult things to him, _a lot_." 

"...Huh." He visibly swallowed at that, straightening as his hands clenched the wheel a bit harder. "I'm sure you want me to tell him that too, right? I'm not trying to get in the middle of... your... _'crush'_ or whatever." He rumbled, feeling his face warm just a touch under his cowl. 

This was weird. It was also kinda exhilarating. 

"Mmm, you're the type who'd keep the mask on too, aren't cha Batsy..." The Joker purred, feeling like he'd just opened a can of party peanuts and a hundred cocky snakes sprung out. 

"..." 

"I'm gonna take that as a resounding YES... _Saaaay_... you and Bruce--"

" **NO**."

 

_~~I wanna make up my mind, But I don't know myself, No I don't know myself~~_

 

"But I mean, single, eligible bachelor with a dark, brooding roommate? _I mean_..." 

 

OH this was rich!!! 

 

The Joker shifted in his seat, folding a leg across his lap as he wove his hands together, pointing his fingers at the man in black. 

 

"Does he _MAKE_ you keep the mask on?" 

" **JOKER**." 

 

The clown began to laugh hysterically, flopping back in the passenger's seat an arm draped over his eyes-- but he still watched Batman from beneath his fingers, eyes narrowing as the man of the hour quickly wet his bottom lip before stopped the Bat-themed vehicle in front of one of his more obscure safehouses. 

 

Goddamn it. Of COURSE, Batman was Bruce Wayne. 

 

_~~I get a little bit Genghis Khan, I don't want you to get it on, With nobody else but me, With nobody else but me~~_

 

The roof of the Bat-Mobile hissed open and the Joker was broken from his laughing fit by the warm night air. 

"Get out."

"Huh?"

"Go. I didn't see you. You got away, just go." Batman rumbled, not looking at the other man as he waved him out of the vehicle. 

"Hmpf..." The clown was smirking and grinning at the same time. He'd have to coin a term for it. _Grirking_. No. Gross. _Sminning_? Sounded like sinning, that worked! The clown sminned as he stepped out of the car, stretching his arms above his head. 

"Bruce... wanted me to tell you that there is another party, this Saturday. At the manor." 

 

The Joker whipped his head to the side, glancing over his shoulder at the Batman, who was still gripping his steering wheel, staring straight ahead. 

 

"You can tell him that I'll be there, then. With bells on."

"Don't."

"Okay, fine no bells, _JEEZ_." 

 

Batman tipped his head, looking at the other for a moment and for a fraction of a second, the Joker SWORE he saw the corner of that dumb, perfect mouth turn up before the roof of the Bat-Mobile slid back down and the Dark Knight disappeared.

 

Harley would be SO JEALOUS to find out that he'd been personally invited--oh wait, she'd just gotten arrested, huh. Welllllll... at least that got her out of his hair for the next week! 


	6. Feels Like My Heart is Going to Burst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A front page article about Bruce Wayne (written by some jerk named Clark Kent) throws things into a tiny bit of universally orchestrated chaos for Batman and the Joker.

 

 

 

 

 

The Joker sat in his recliner, fingers tented together as he stared at the front page article of the Gotham Herald. 

'Bruce Wayne, No Longer Gotham's Most Eligible Bachelor??' and it made his stomach turn for some ungodly reason. Why the hell was this 'Clark Kent' guest reporting about something so trivial, anyway?

 

'Upon speaking with Mr. Wayne, the usually reserved Billionaire told us that 'No, there is definitely not anybody on my mind, at all, ever', which can only lead us to assume that he's found himself smitten with yet another Gothamite.' 

 

"HARLEY!!! DID YOU SEE THIS?!" The clown shrieked, tearing the newspaper in half in fury. What the HELL was this all about?! " _HARLEYYYY!!!!_ " 

 

Oh wait. 

 

Damnit. 

 

One one side of Gotham, the Clown Prince of Crime scrambled to find the landline-- the duck shaped phone was perched around here somewhere, wasn't it? And on the other side of Gotham, on his own little island in the middle of the bay, the Dark Knight flicked through his cell phone, eyes narrowing as he located Mr. Kent's number. 

 

 

"Yessss, Ms. Quinzel, please?"

"Who's speaking?"

"Your Mother. Put 'er on the phone." The Joker clown said tersely, winding his finger through the coiled cord of the duck phone. 

"One moment, please." The Arkham orderly murmured in his deadpan, managing not to sigh directly into the phone. This job did not pay enough. Not even close. 

"Hellllooooo?" 

"Harley!" 

"Where ARE YOU?! WHY AREN'T YOU BUSTING ME OUTTA HERE YOU BUM?!" She barked, cutting herself off suddenly. "Did you see that thing about Bruce Wayne?"

"...Ugh."

"Is it about you?!" 

"..........what."  The clown looked at the phone, blinking at the receiver. His 'what' had almost sounded like a quack and he'd surprised himself. 

"IS IT ABOUT YOUUUU?!!" Harleen screamed into her end until she was yelled at for yelling. Ah, Arkham.

"Eh... About _me_?" The green haired man gave this some pause, brow furrowing. Hell, he hadn't even THOUGHT about that-- too busy being folded into a salty, stale pretzel over this... not even relevant to HIM news. Why should HE care?

"Yes, boo. _You_. Are you okay? Are you _WITH_ him?! _Oooooooooooooooo_..." 

"No! Harley! **HARLEY STOP OR I'M HANGING THE DUCK UP!!!** " The Joker howled into the phone, throttling said mallard with both hands. 

"Okay, okay, okay I'm sorry, ya there?" The former psychiatrist said with a calming breath, smoothing a hand over one of her pigtails. 

 

The Joker did the same, smoothing a hand over his hair before he sat back in his ugly recliner and held the duck to the side of his face.

 

"I don't... know, Harley. But I'm going to find out. BATMAN was the one who told me about the next party."

"GET. OUT."

"Well, no I'm trying to get IN, my dear." 

"What about getting ME out?"

"How about Monday morning, 9 o'clock sharp?" 

 

Harley let out an annoyed noise at that, but sighed and blew out her frustrated breath into her bangs. 

 

"Fiiiiiine."

"Thatta'girl!" The thought crossed his mind to murmur the juicy tidbit that he'd discovered the other night... Bruce Wayne was (very probably) Batman.... but the idea of that nugget of wisdom entering a one Harleen Frances Quinzel's ear and it somehow _NOT_ being verbally diarrhea'd all over Arkham by her enormous mouth was not going to fare well his plan. "On that note, ta-ta, I'll get be in touch!" 

Harleen let out a terse noise, eyes narrowing as she listened to that pause, to all that was said. 

Mr. J had a secret... 

"Mmmhmmm..."

"What?"

"MMMHMMM."

"Okay, you know what, fine? BY HARLEEN!!! SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!!!!"

"WHA--?!" 

 

*click*

 

The duck nested comfortably back in its holster, Joker pat it's little synthetic head in mock-apology, that mallard sure put up with a lot of shit from him. What a good boy. 

 - - -

"Well, hey! How's it goin' buddy!?" The man in Metropolis said a little loudly, pointing at his phone and mouthing ' _BR-OOS WAY-NUH_ ' to the Jimmy Olsen standing at the side of his desk.

"Clark."

"No 'hello', Bruce?"

"No. Clark. What the hell is this article about?"

"Well, come on, Bruce, it's about *you*." 

"Yes, I have eyes, I got that." The vigilante sat back in his Bat-Computer chair, pinching the bridge of his nose, the folded over article lying across his keyboard. 

"Hey, I'm just doing my job, my friend! I get demands on what to produce, I, y'know, produce it." 

 

Bruce let out a growl at that, eyes shutting. 

 

"Awfully ambiguous, isn't it. I'm not seeing anybody. Not that it's any of your business."

"You're not? What about that rainbow of bad guys you can't keep in Arkham?"

"What did you say?" Batman hissed into the phone, sitting forward so quickly that his chair almost wobbled beneath him. 

"I mean, I don't know... didn't you see that brilliantly written article in the Herald?" Superman countered, leaning back in his chair, a wide grin on his face as he looked up at Jimmy snickering at a conversation he couldn't even hear. 

"Argh." 

"Look, Bruce. I get it. Privacy is crucial and all of that, trust me! I know! I'm, y'know..." The bespectacled dope cupped his own mouth as he looked around the open floorplan of the Daily Planet, at Jimmy conveniently gazing off. " _The S-Man_."

 

Batman held the phone away from his head as if he could stare at it and make both it AND Clark Kent disappear and then let out another sigh.

 

"It just complicates things."

"Oh yeah? So you _ARE_ seeing someone! I _KNEW_ it!!! Been months hasn't it!! Oooh, I gotta call Diana..." 

Bruce scoffed into the phone, sitting up straight suddenly. 

"What? What did you say?!" 

"Oh, come on Bruce, you've been being weird about it since your birthday!" 

" _WHAT_." The billionaire barked and even from the depths of the Bat-Cave, Alfred twitched in the master kitchen, as if he'd heard it.

"Anyway, so, clearly you liked the article." 

"Clark." Funny thing about Clark Kent. He was, SUPER-good with his SUPER-Selective hearing. 

"Okay, my friend! It's getting late! You want to catch supper tonight?"

"NO."

"Going out, huh?" 

" _CLARK_." It was now that the big, bespectacled man began to make a 'talky' motion with his hand, rolling his head to the side to grin up at Jimmy. 

"Okay then, that's good buddy. Talk to you soon!" 

" **CLARK!** "

 

Bruce dropped his phone with an irritated clatter to his console and pushed his chair away from the massive desk, it spinning him off in frustration. He stood smoothly after the second spin and started into a sudden, flawless stride. 

 

He needed to go... work out or something. It was too early to go out on patrol but he had a hunch that stupid Superman's stupid, useless, uncalled for, inaccurate article that just had to be published THIS of all weeks was going to stir some kind of green and purple shitstorm.

 

Damn it. 

 

The billionaire shook his head, taking the elevator up to the gym and rubbed a hand through his hair, still irritated, prickly. 

 

Things were just getting... they were feeling stable-ish. Right? Like... he'd been able to even have a conversation, AS BATMAN, with the Joker and he was decent. 

And he CONFIRMED had a thing for Bruce. 

That little tidbit made him smile, though he'd defend that it was more of a smirk. 

 

But regardless, the Joker didn't know HE was Batman now did he... 

 

No. He didn't. 

 

So if Batman went out tonight and did a little reclownissance, that'd be fine. Not weird and not paranoid. After all, he was just checking to make sure everything was... cool with the guy. Not that it wouldn't be. Not that there was any reason for it not to be.

 

And what the hell did Clark mean, anyway, about 'seeing somebody for months?' that was some pretty... ballsy stuff right there. Sure, since the first party orchestrated by Alfred, he'd been a little more social, by HIS standards... But that didn't have anything to do with the Joker. It's not like he'd been spending any more time than he'd always had, keeping a watchful eye on the maniac. And yeah, maybe he was a little... whatever the word was, to expect the Joker at the future galas... but it's not like he was making a big deal about it. 

Right? 

He didn't outright look for the man. He wasn't like, throwing these parties in any hopes to get close to him as Bruce. No. Nope. None of that. It was just to find out what was going on. It was just to... get to talk to him, a little, without a punch being thrown or a knife being unsheathed. 

 

Shit. 

 

Bruce paused before stepping into the glass-walled gym, eyes narrowing at his reflection in the clear doors. 

 

"What the hell is wrong with you?" He asked himself, full Batman growl in place.

"What _isn't_ ," Bruce responded to himself, shaking his head before sliding the glass door open to his enviable exercise set-up. 

 

\- - -

 

The Joker pulled himself out off the recliner with a groan, stretching himself to full height and wiggling his arms in the air-- and then dropped into a tumble, rolling forward and springing back up with a 'ta-da!' that nobody but Bud and Lou saw. 

 

Of course, they did; they were probably hungry. _Again_. Maybe he'd have to bust Harley out early just to mind the puppers, though the other rogues mingling around didn't seem to mind. 

 

"Helllllloooooooo? Who's home?!" The green haired man shouted, hands balled at his sides. Assistance was required! Tonight, he'd just decided mid-tumble, that he'd cause a little casual mayhem and with Harley in the slammer, why not indoctrinate a new, if temporary meathead? 

 

The hyenas wagged their tails frantically, circling their father and then bolted off into the next room, circling the behemoth sitting on the floor, legs folded beneath him as he hunched over a tiny book. 

 

"Oh! Baney-Boy! Didn't even know you were here, bigun!" 

 

Said man tensed on the floor, eyes narrowing beneath his mask and he set his book down on his lap, lifting both hands for the hyenas to rub their happy heads against. The hyenas, they loved him. 

 

"Hn."

"Ya busy?"

 

The big man shrugged, tipping his head to the side as his attention focusing on the two puppers and the short, Two-Faced man who sat, hidden against his back, hunched and now hiding from the clown he sorta loathed. 

 

"Si." 

"Aww, c'mon. I need a fall-- I need a hench or two, a driver  at VERY least." 

"Payaso, I am too big for your tiny coach." Bane murmured, leaning back into Harvey, who in turn leaned back against him, breathing quietly. Hoping that these dumb pups would stay stated by the luchador mask wearing villain and not notice him.

 

The clown looked at his traitor hyenas, now rolling on their backs, tails thwapping against the floor as they were idly loved on by Bane's big sausage fingers and back up to that masked face, eyes narrowing. 

 

"Well, where's Harv? Or Johnny? Or Eddie? Anyone? C'mon, I need to--"

"Just go see him, then, ah?" 

"...What." WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON WITH EVERYBODY?! "...who, per say, could you ever mean?"

 

Suddenly, Harvey stood up, leaning over Bane's asininely large shoulder, his good eye narrowing at the tall fool. 

"Batman, pagliaccio, _Dios_."

 

The behemoth shook his head, reaching up to pat Two-Face's back before returning his hand to the hyena he'd neglected. 

 

"You can't be serious." The Joker deadpanned, staring between the two men, his hyenas and balled his hands at his sides, clenching them into audible, knuckle-cracking fists. 

 

"Si." The masked giant replied and Two-Face nodded over that shoulder before slipping back out of view. The tension that the Joker exuded was abrasive, it made whatever room he felt like depositing himself into feel static with discomfort. 

 

"The BATMAN? Why should I go see HIM?" But he knew the answer and whirled away from the two fools, snapping his fingers at the hyenas. "Come on, boys. Dinnertime." The clown barked out, shoulders hunched as he stomped out of the room and his puppers skulked after him obediently. 

 

"You're not  going." Harvey murmured, almost sounding petulant as he sat heavily back down against the much bigger man.

"Do I need your permission, cielito?"

"No, because it's already been established, tesoro." Two-Face muttered as he picked his own book back up and resumed reading. 

"Mmh, lo se."

Bane let out a chuckle, shifting his back to make it adequately comfortable for the other man and too, resumed his reading.

 

\- - -

 

It was several hours later, just after night fell, that the Batman found himself trolling the rooftops of Gotham. Intel told him that the Joker was not far from the Soder Cola building near the older part of the city; trying to bust in and make off with several canisters of carbon dioxide. Who could even imagine why the clown would need such trivial compound air, but it was kind of a relief to get the alert. 

 

To touch a little bit of 'normal'. 

 

The click-hiss of his grapnel gun alerted the busy clown to his adversary, a shudder of almost calm rolling through him as he heard the footfall of Batman landing on the rooftop. 

He'd been waiting. 

"Well, well, well, look what the Bat dragged up!" The Joker barked at the other man, his back still to him. 

"Like there's any place I'd rather be." Batman hissed back, unaware exactly of how that sounded. 

 

The Joker seemed not to pick up on it either, shoulders still hunched as he reached into the folds of his coat and pulled out a yet to be flicked open switchblade. 

 

"Hmff, can't believe Daddy Waynebucks let you out of his sight..." The clown snapped, taking two steps back as the Batman advanced two steps forward. 

"Hmfp, he doesn't even know I'm here. Probably planning for that... thing tomorrow." The dark knight rumbled, turning and whirling away from the knife as it was clicked open. The Joker followed and Bats was able to grasp that gloved hand, squeezing until the knife clattered to the ground.

"Why does it matter to YOU?" The Joker hissed, eyes narrowing as he watched that face, more importantly, that mouth and lunged at the Bat's other hand, grasping his gauntlet. 

"It doesn't. It 100% doesn't matter to me." The clown smirked at this, doing his best to keep his urge to burst out laughing reserved, sort of in awe at how crazy Bruce Wayne really was. He was yanked closer to his Batman, the space between then closing, like usual. Get in the other's face and yell, or growl or scream. But not this. Not this husky, rasping. 

"At all. For all I care, you can... can be Bruce Wayne's live-in boyfriend, you could be his lover, it means nothing to me." Batman growled, his mouth a hard line as he graveled out the words and faced off with the slightly taller man. 

"Ooh, so you'd be fine with me rubbing my butt all over Bruce Wayne's fancy pianos and silverware and rich guy stuff, huh?" The Joker smirked back, trying to grasp Batman's wrists but only able to grapple with one as Bats had his other. 

"S'not my stuff. Not like you can get into the Bat Cave anyway, you'll be too busy with your boyfriend." The dark knight growled back and the clown broke free and was able to whirl away but not before being grasped by the wrist and drawn back to him. 

"You sound jealous." 

"Of you, maybe. Who wouldn't want Bruce Wayne to like them?"

"He likes me?" The Joker paused, the grin faltering as he stared at Batman, his wrist still held high up in the air by his sleeve, the other grasped in a similar iron grip by his side. They were dancing, waltzing on the rooftop and hadn't even really noticed. 

"...I... I dunno. You'll have to ask him. Tomorrow night." The vigilante stared back at that unreserved face, at the way the Joker's eyes had rounded, how his mouth had fallen open into a little 'oh' of surprise. It was terribly becoming. 

"Bet it really  bugs you that he fancies me, huh..." The Joker breathed suddenly, leaning closer to the other man and taking full advantage of both of his hands being restrained. 

"It doesn't! And how should I know if he _ACTUALLY_ likes you back?" Was the barked retort, the vigilante having to force himself to look off. "All I know is that he's... STUPIDLY--" And for that, Bruce looked back at the clown, squaring his jaw before he continued. "--adamant about you, of all people, coming to his stupid gala thingy," Batman growled at him, turning his head back away from that too-close face, furiously staring off while trying to lean away from the other man. 

 

And then they were parted, Batman shoving away the lanky fool and the Joker happily springing back, arms spread wide as if he was eager for the embrace that wasn't yet coming. 

 

"Mmm, bet he dreams of me."

"He doesn't."

"And thinks of me."

"Not really."

"Every time he sees Purple and Green, it probably makes him go --"

"*Joker...*"

"Yes! That!"

 

The sounds of Batman's Bat-cuffs clinking open had the clown hunched again, glancing over his shoulder with an arched brow before he whirled, hands on his hips. 

"Oh, this again?" Deadpanned the green haired maniac and he shook his head, wagging one finger at the shorter man. "Not tonight, my sweet. You and I both know that B doesn't want that." 

"Doesn't matter what 'B' wants, unless part of your plan was to put back all of these canisters and un-destroy what you did of that door, then guess what, 'my sweet'." Batman jingled the bat-cuffs and allowed himself a smirk as the Joker looked to be considering this as an option. 

"You helping or what?"

 

The two worked somewhat silently, the clown prince of crime humming to himself as the Batman went about gathering up the roughly 36 canisters of carbon, diligently carrying the armfuls of metal down the several flights of stairs-- all with the assistance of the great big fool who'd lugged them up there in the first place. It took a few hours, in fact, to get everything as back to as it should be; Batman had offered this kind of rehabilitative assistance to the other rogues... why not the Joker? Maybe had a little something to do with tomorrow evening. Maybe it had a lot to do with seeing a bit more behind the facade of the jester's mask over the past few months. 

 

"About this door handle." Batman frowned, hands on his hips as he looked between the somewhat sheepish looking clown and the mangled metal. 

 

And soon they were in the Bat-mobile, off for a late-night run to the (naturally) Wayne-owned Mega Mart; the vehicle idling in the shadows on the side of the building. 

 

"You ah, must really hate Bruce Wayne, going through all of this trouble."

"YOU must hate Bruce Wayne, to have caused SO much trouble," The Bat responded almost tartly, but shifted enough in his seat to unearth a wallet from under his cape and fanned out a few hundred dollars to the fool beside him. "Don't cause a scene. Get the one handle closest to the one you destroyed and we'll go install it." 

 

One fine green eyebrow arched a bit too high and he smirked at the money in his hand. 

 

"You want change?"

"DON'T cause a scene, Joker. I'm warning you." 

"Okay, okay, fine, jeez. I hope Brucie is more fun than you..." He snorted as the winged door of the car hissed open. 

"Oh he is, he's just a huge brat when he doesn't get his way, now go." 

"Reminds me of someone..." The clown tittered, stuffing the money somewhere in his coat and then wiggling his fingers at the man in black. "Miss you already, B...!" 

"Ughhh..."

 

But... as soon as the clown sauntered away from the car, Bruce flicked on his Detective Mode, tracking the other man's skeletal silhouette entering the building and getting lost in the mass of-- like, why were there more than 50 people in a superstore at one in the morning? 

 

After all, it wasn't as if the Dark Knight didn't trust the Clown Prince with three hundred or so dollars in his hand, it was more that he didn't trust the man to not get irritated at somebody else's lack of humor or their general stupidity and cross that thin little line between funny and deadly. He decided fairly easily, to grapnel up to the roof of the building, putting the Bat-Mobile in armored mode as he sought to trail his nemesis from above, stalking across the roof until he as confident that he as reading the Joker's vitals-- The heart rate that was always a little too fast, the body language was something between smooth and gawky, even when he was running. Especially when he was running. But now, the Joker seemed to idle through the store, surely gathering up a lot of junk... Maybe even the goddamn door handle.

 

Another twenty minutes of roof-pacing passed quickly, unnoticed as the Batman walked the several floors above the pale fool, letting out an annoyed sigh as the Joker FINALLY made it to the checkout. He endeavored, as always, to be quick and slick, running full speed to leap off the building to land beside the now-unsheathed Bat-Mobile with a heavy flutter of his cape. He hopped in, re-buckled and unnecessarily wiped at the car's touch-screen to make himself look natural and busy. 

 

The Joker knocked at the car's passenger side window with one gloved knuckle, taking a step back as the stupid doors flung back open and smirked at the Batman as he thrust the several bags at him, holding a pair of gold hater blockers off of one finger while actually WEARING a pair in white. 

 

"What is all of this?"

"Candy, glow sticks, glue sticks-- don't ask, a couple of t-shirts, lots of candy, actually. Condoms." 

"Did you get the hand-- wait what?"

"Not for you, for Bruce. These are for him too," The Joker murmured, dropping the cheap gold slotted glasses in Batman's lap as he settled back into the seat and pulled the harness into place. "-- and yes, I did. Y'know, those cheap shits probably bought the one I busted here in the first place too." 

 

Batman's jaw was locked, tense as he rifled through the four plastic bags he was suddenly holding and threw the glasses onto the dash, frantic to find the prophylactics. Did he get the right size? 

WHY WAS HE EVEN *THINKING* THAT?!??!?!

 

The Joker started to laugh as he watched his Batman flush under his cowl, watched the pink creep across what he could see of that face; Ooooh, look at the way it ruffled his cape. 

 

"I'm jo-king..." The clown sing-songed, pushing the white hater blockers up into his hair to reveal the smuggest face he could muster. 

 

"WHAT THE HELL?!" 

"What?" The Joker balked, reaching back to grab whatever bag of candy he could get his hands on. "Think he goes bareback? Ooooh, what a nasty shit." 

"You've got to be kidding me." Batman breathed out gravelly, throwing the Bat-mobile into reverse and firing out of the parking lot. 

"Yes, my darling, you know that's sorta my thing." And a chocolate filled caramel was popped into his mouth. "Wow, damn. Well, THIS is a surprise."

 

Yeah, The Joker making any kind of sexual reference was pretty alarming and Bruce hated himself for the 'what' that rumbled out of his mouth. 

 

"Try this." An unwrapped chocolate was held up and for a moment Batman was ready to say not to it, bark something about carbs, but was unable to protest as it was quickly pressed to the slice of his mouth and automatically took the piece of candy. 

 

What was going on? Really? But... the chocolate was deceptively good and he had to acquiesce at least a little shrug. 

Okay yeah. It was good, for being something so... easily overlooked. 

 

Batman glanced at his passenger for a second then back to the road, saying nothing else as he savored the sweetness on his tongue, listening to the happy chocolate eating noises and he focused on getting back to Soder Cola, getting that handle installed and getting the hell back to the Batcave to decompress. Taking the 'high' road with the Joker, giving him that little extra room to 'redeem' himself was killing him. The road to the factory felt long, stretched and he let out a small sigh that caught the clown's attention between pieces of candy. 

 

"Mmmh?"

"Nothing. Nothing. We're here." Batman rumbled, parking the car and hesitating in his seat. "Can I have another?" 

"Hell, you bought 'em. " The Joker murmured but shifted in his seat, diverting the piece of candy that was going to his mouth, back to the Bat's. He was good, his touch was quick and light, almost innocent and it caused an ALMOST noise to leave Bruce's throat before he buckled his harness and popped open the doors . The clown watched the mouth, the chewing motion, the swallow and goddamn, how did Bruce Wayne make eating look good? How was that even a thing? 

The Bat was out of the car after another moment and without being told, the Joker rummaged for the bag with the door handle, following after his man in black. 

 

"So... What is it about this thing tomorrow night that Mr. Wayne is so adamant about yours truly being at?" The clown murmured, for once using one of his many knives to slice open the blister package of the door handle and pass it to Batman's waiting hand. 

"I dunno, again, you'll have to ask him." 

 

An annoyed sound left the Joker and he narrowed his eyes at the man who had pulled a proper electric drill from somewhere off of his utility belt-- how the hell did he drive with that thing on? -- but he shook himself out of being irritated. HE of all people could appreciate the insanity that the billionaire was showing. Good form, old man. Good form.

 

"And you're not... jealous of him, at all then?" Came the light question, the Joker leaned back against the Bat-Mobile, sitting on the hood and folding one leg across his lap as he watched the man easily as mental as him diligently repair his handiwork. 

 

"Over what? Hey, if he wants to take you off of my hands, then fine." 

 

The Joker let out a laugh at that, flopping back against the car and palmed his face with both hands, shaking his head. 

 

"Besides, if you have your way, you'll be all over the mansion anyway, rubbing your butt on stuff, right?"  

 

Sitting up on his elbows, the clown curled himself into sitting up, looking at the other from between his fingers-- the sugar was starting to kick in and make him both giddy and tired... 

 

"You really think Bruce likes me that much, huh?" The Joker tsk'd, hopping off of the Bat-Mobile's hood and sauntered over to the door that the Batman was fixing. As he leaned against the frame of said structure, the man in black stood, tucking the drill somewhere in the depths of his cape. 

 

"I..." Their eyes met, despite the cowl, the bright glow that was meant to obscure his identity that much more. 

 

" _Shh, shh, shh._ I know what you're gonna say. ' _I'm not Bruce Wayne. He's way too handsome to be me and I definitely don't have a weird thing for him_ '" The clown murmured in his best Batman-mock voice, arms folded across his chest as he smirked into that face. 

 

A relieved sort of sound left Bruce, followed by a snort and he turned from the clown, getting back into his beloved vehicle.

"Oh, whatever, Bruce would be totally lucky to lock me down. I just don't do 'ships. You know that." 

"Right-o, Batsy, if anyone knows that, it's this guy." The Joker laughed, jerking his thumbs at himself but his eyes stayed narrowed as he followed the shorter man into the car. 

 

Now, he was getting a little almost... nervous about the event tomorrow night and the anxiety was exhilarating. 


	7. Skyfall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After being almost badgered by Batman to show up to the next Bruce Wayne event, a mildly uneasy Joker does so, because hell, who doesn't like a challenge and possible ambush? We get a little more Alfred this time, too.

Tonight, as the Joker unloaded his pockets of the dozen wind-up chattering teeth he'd brought with him, the green haired man was careful, making sure not to set any of the twelve sets of chompers off just yet. Surely, somebody should have noticed the tall man, clad in eggplant purple and black pinstripes bending over and setting down the red and white annoyances... And yet... The clown was able to make his way subtly around, to take a seat in the shadows, one leg folded over the other as waited for nature to take its course. 

 

A chorus of laughs and shrieks, the symphony allowing the Joker a few moments to breathe and relax. What the hell was going to happen tonight? Was it wrong of him to expect some kind of ambush? Like, what the hell was last NIGHT about?

 

He'd shlepped back into the safe house, hater-blockers still in his hair, carrying the bagfuls of sweets and mega store shrapnel. 

 

Bane (and Harvey for the fact of the matter) was nowhere to be found and as he'd wandered to HIS room (every safehouse, no matter who was going to be staying, had a Joker room that was not to be disheveled by anyone, except on occasion, Harley) to find the hyenas already curled around each other in his bed. 

 

Ah, what the hell. No sense in yelling at the pups, he was too damn exhausted and crashing from the candy, like a sledgehammer to the head. Besides, they offered an adequate amount of applicable heat. 

 

 

As the ferry glided to a stop, the clown lifted his head, inhaling sharply and a wide smile set on his face. He was ready for whatever, at this point. Well, as long as this wasn't some horrible, elaborate ambush. The gala was once again on this massive rooftop... but it was well more organized, by the way of dozens of little round tables with place cards. The Joker looked around almost owlishly, trying to find something remotely familiar but was intercepted not by a generic butler but by the handsome boy himself, who swooped in out of nowhere and hooked their arms, a grin on his face.

 

"Batman gave you my message." There was a momentary flash of white, too big of a smile and the clown instantly relaxed.

 

"Mmhmm, repeatedly." 

 

The billionaire scoffed a little at that, looking smug, pleased with himself. Looking quite like he didn't know that the Joker knew he was the Dark Knight. 

 

"I'm glad. He owes me at least that..." 

 

The Joker turned his head to look at the other man-- unmistakably Batman and was led to a table directly to the back right of the area where the band was set up. 

 

"Does he now..."

 

A table for two with drinks pre-emptively sitting on it. The clown could see the other man's lips turn up to look even smugger and he wanted to hate himself for being so charmed by the Bat... but he always had been. 

 

They sat, Bruce lifting his gin while the Joker adjusted himself and lifted his eyebrows at what looked like a whiskey sour. 

 

"And to what do I owe this delightful occasion?"

"Consider it an... invitation, if you will." Their glasses touched at the darker haired man's behest and the clown couldn't help but smirk as he took a sip of the drink. Oooh, it was strong, too. 

"To what?"

 

Bruce looked at the other man from over the top of his glass, taking a sip. 

 

"Well... that is up to you..."

"Me, huh? What does your 'roommate' think of all of this...hmm?" The clown murmured, gesturing between the two of them with his free hand before taking another sip of his drink.

"He's jealous." Came the simple almost Batman-esque response and the Joker let out a helpless giggle, tapping his feet on the ground under the table. 

"Oh shut upppp..." 

"Pfff...Make me..." Came a very Batman'd retort and the two men shared a long look before the slightly shorter man drained his liquid courage and pushed away from the table all the while, the Joker watching with a well more than amused look on his face. "I... Need to go... ah, now. But I'm glad you're here. I appreciate you... being here. For me. Or you. Or whatever the reason is." The blue-eyed man murmured, shooting a smile at his guest before standing and letting out a breath. Here goes. 

"...Of course..." Was all the Joker could manage at the moment, still in a little bit of a surprised stupor, watching as the other man saluted him and disappeared into the growing pile of people.

 

\- - -

 

Batman had sped home, grasping the steering wheel still too tightly as he hit the turbos almost delirious with the need to get out of his cowl-- for once. He felt like he almost couldn't breathe, wondering if, somehow the Joker knew he was Bruce Wayne-- but impossible. 

 

Completely impossible... But the clown was... so good at pushing his buttons, was it possible that the other man knew him so well? 

 

The thought of the Joker casually buying condoms made something boil in his stomach, some kind of bizarre nausea, like it wasn't something that the man should ever do... and yet... if he ever did, they SHOULD be for him. 

 

The Batmobile skidded to a loud screechy stop and Bruce let out a shout inside of his vehicle, throttling his steering wheel. 

 

He KNEW what was going on, didn't he? 

 

That the Joker wanted Bruce? That the Joker had always sort of been coy with HIM, as Batman, but there was something about the way the crown prince of crime kept himself just enough in check... like he actually wanted to impress Wayne. 

 

That was something that Bruce was used to, it was common to come across the person who thought they could get the billionaire to fall for them... 

 

The Joker was the first person who fell into that category who also... fell into another category, he was MORE than anyone else who had approached him before. 

 

The clown was blurring a line that only Selina had before and she had been transparent as most... The Joker... Damn him... Batman still couldn't figure that it was anything more than some elaborate joke... but it didn't feel funny. It felt alluring. Intoxicating. Bruce let out a sigh, slapping his steering wheel with both hands before pulling off his cowl and getting out of the car. 

He needed to get his shit together before tomorrow. He needed to organize his brain and his thoughts and pull a trick from his own sleeve this time. After all... he could charm the pants off of anyone, as Bruce, why not the Clown Prince of Crime? 

 

\- - -

 

Bruce felt a wave of anxiety along with a profound sense of smugness, mingled with fulfilled anticipation as he spotted his butler, nodding once to the other just a fraction of a motion and then moved with a bit more determination as Alfred began to distract the party goers. He had very little time to execute this last little moment before his 'performance' and moved quickly as soon as he was out of sight, stepping behind an incredibly subtle door that was down the steps away from the party.

 

Well across the rooftop patio, the Clown Prince of Crime had been served a second whiskey sour, head tipping in thanks to the attentive butler who had brought him over the tart drink. Those intoxicating emerald eyes scanned the area again, for anything familiar, even for Bruce, who was suddenly MIA and the lanky creature stood, taking the few steps over to the balcony edge of the roof. 

This was... weird. 

He LIKED weird, but this felt very organized, almost choreographed and it made the clown's eyes narrow as he thought he spotted some square-jawed jackass that looked vaguely familiar... Then a statuesque woman at the man's side.

 ...Was that Dian--

***ahem***

"Ehhhh?" The Joker's head whipped to the left, the convenient little alcove that provided just enough shadow. "What the hell are you doing here?!!" The green haired man whispered, eyes comically wide as he set down his drink on the railing, trying not to gawk at the goddamned Batman. 

"You came." Was the low rumble he was answered with--

"You're here?!" Joker hissed, glancing back to where he'd JUST SEEN BRUCE before he was drawn by the elbow into the shadows and had his shoulders grasped by those familiar gloved hands. Fortunately, for this scheme, it was just dark enough, the cape was just big enough to hide that he wasn't quite in full Bat-suit. 

"You came." Batman repeated, voice even. 

"Of course I did..." The clown murmured back, shaking his head as if the statement was pure foolishness, then craned his head to look back to where he'd just SEEN the billionaire, only to be pushed back familiarly against the wall.

"Look, whatever happens between you and--" The cowled man was guilty of the very thing he'd just pushed the other back from doing, glancing to where 'Bruce' had been mingling near the brass band that was getting re-organized for his performance.  "-- _Him_  tonight... just know that..."

 

Those usually dark-lined eyes stared into wild, widening, quite dark lined eyes and the Batman stifled a smirk, gathering all of his nerve. He had this under control. 

 "I liked you first." He exhaled, giving the clown just a moment to digest the words before grasping his shoulders even harder and pressing a few seconds worth of a firm kiss to his nemesis' mouth-- couldn't let Bruce ALWAYS have all the fun. 

 

What felt like less than a half a breath later, Batman had released the shocked cretin, reaching under his cape for his grapnel and with as much bafflement as the clown had felt, was whirled so HE was pressed to the wall, arm conveniently trapped behind his back and that red mouth was on him with a groan he met and matched just as noisily. 

One. Two. Three stunning, full-lipped kisses painting his lips crimson and the Batman groaned softly with reluctance, pushing the other man away and leading with his grapnel gun pointed west. 

 

There was a long look between the mildly disheveled looking  Joker and barely restrained smug-looking Dark Knight before the hiss of the grapnel's pssssh's and Batman hooked one of the lower ledges of his own home, swooping off into the night-- and sharply around the corner, where he disengaged his gun and rolled into a tumble and stood, shedding his cape and cowl with too much ease. Alfred was almost instantly by his side, standing in that convenient doorway with his arms outstretched.

 

The ever-patient father/butler took the discarded belt, cape and cowl then made a familiar noise, an almost 'tsk' that caused a just readjusting his hair Bruce Wayne to whip his head sharply to look at the man.

 

"Your ah... lips sir. A little. Mmh." Alfred couldn't say, his cheeks paling a bit as he suspected and suspected quite right. 

"Huh? Oh. OH." A quick wipe at his mouth and a glance at his red palm had the billionaire smiling a little too wide for a fraction of a second and instantly the butler felt guilty at not wanting this to happen. 

He hadn't seen a look on Bruce's face like that in... what felt like a lifetime. How dare he not want what would make the boy the happiest...? Even if it seemed like the worst possible option, ever. Of all time. To see Master Wayne look... dazzled. Charmed even, made him feel conflicted with how... happy it made him feel as well,

"Knock 'em dead, sir." 

"Huh?"

"Best of luck with your performance, Master Bruce." 

 

Another smile from the blue eyed man that Mr.Pennyworth loved so dearly, though it wasn't  nearly as pleased looking and the de-cowled Batman nodded, patting his father figure's shoulder before heading back up the few stairs and into the throng of people. 

 

His eyes flicked to the Joker, who was sitting down, fixing his lipstick with his middle finger while swirling his drink. The man looked SHOOK and Bruce allowed himself the smug mug as he glided through the tables. 

 

"Hey! Bruce!" 

 

And it was gone, a hand raised as he waved to Clark, the subtle one-fingered saluted, which of course Superman saw and shot right back with his big, stupid-faced grin. There was no time to be chatty or catty-- though the smile he shot Diana was pure gold and she nodded at him with that perfectly demure look on her face. The dark haired man was quick to step behind the band and glanced back to the man who he'd taken the first kiss from, who was still touching his lips. 

 

What a crazy thought... that his mouth too, still tingled from their stolen moment and his heart was still thudding wildly beneath his blazer because of his fool. The scary part was almost over, right? 

 

The sound of a microphone clicking on and the live band organizing their playing, followed by strums of an acoustic and electric guitar had the still bewildered lifting his head with wider eyes as he gazed upon Bruce Goddamn Wayne, clutching that very damn microphone.

 

" _Do I look lonely?_ " The clown's head shot up, eyes round as he was slapped with a wave of deja-vu... Bruce had murmured that to him on this very roof... If he could look even more baffled in this lifetime, now was that time. Of course, the goddamned Batman could sing. And extremely well. Well, he'd certainly not been let down and so soon! A dazzled smile fell back on his face and the Joker set his chin on the heel of his palm, staring shamelessly at the crooning billionaire. 

 

 

 


	8. Patience is a Virtue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a serenade of epic proportions, Joker has to sort out whether or not to continue this precarious dance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR BEING SO PATIENT WITH ME, MY LOVELIES!!! I really appreciate you waiting here-- updates will be fairly regular!

_"... see the shadows on my face, people have told me I don't look the same..."_

That green head looked around, seeing vague shapes of faces but he couldn't help but be drawn back to the Batman.  
To the fool who's mouth, he'd finally gotten to touch?

...How did this happen?

Wasn't this supposed to be some kind of... overly-orchestrated heist?

Wasn't he supposed to be finding a way to be getting the billionaire to fall for him?

That was the ruse after all, wasn't it?

_"Maybe I lost weight, I'm playing hooky, with the best of the best, put my heart on my chest, so that you can see it too..."_

Perhaps he didn't NEED to fabricate some master plan in order to get the other guy to fall for him... Seemed that he was charming enough. Ooooh, this was going to be great to rub into Harley's face... Well, when he sprung her from the big house.

The clown was shaken from his thoughts of his henchwench as the dark and brooding character roamed

_"I'm walking the long road, watching the sky fall..."_

Bruce had quickly overcome the mild anxiety that came with performing in front of a wealth of people, especially knowing that inwardly he was proving Clark right by the admission of his song... But hopefully, the man was too thick to get the subtext of his words. He certainly wasn't trying to perform for anyone but the man of the hour-- the great big fool that he was very easily nearing to out-fool. This was daring and could easily be the genuine death of him--

But it **felt** worth it.

He felt alive when he was engaged with the clown-- There was very little he could do from this point to deny it. They were intertwined and if Bruce knew anything it was to keep your friends close and your enemies closer... and what was closer than a lover?

_"The death of a bachelor, ohhhhh, letting the waterfall..."_

He thought of the fake gin and tonic dropping out of his hand in shock on his birthday, staring at the green head of the fool he was growing more and more endeared to as the day went by. Still, he was as intrigued as ever to have spotted that green head-- there must still be some kind of ulterior motive, other than boredom.

Surely...

The Joker had something (always, ALWAYS) up his sleeve... but by the way he was resting his pointy chin in his folded hands, gazing like he was genuinely smitten had Bruce flaring with even more confidence, sure of himself, positive that he was reading all he could from the clown prince of crime.

_"The death of a bachelor... Ohhh... Seems so fitting for..."_

Naturally, that nearly flamboyant Wayne confidence had it's faults-- while the words tumbled effortlessly out of his mouth, the clown's hand's tightened, the right side of his mouth turning up a touch as he leered.

Who the HELL did he think he was?! The clown's mouth still tingled from the hard kisses (oh, GOD, that had actually happened) but as the warmth continued to spread from the drink he'd been nursing; the madman began to suspect that this was either the most expensive and high-alcohol content whiskey of all TIME-- or that it was laced with some kind of sedative. And thankfully most sedatives didn't work on him... but for the life of that green devil, his lips still tingled.

 _"Happily ever after_  
_How could I ask for more?"_

Acid green eyes trailed over the black-suited man, the clown prince of crime stifling a scoff into the drink he was slowly deciding against drinking. He'd be no good drunk, he was barely worth it while buzzed and this whole kiss and sing thing had to be addressed, post-haste. That is, if he could stop staring at the other man.

"A lifetime of laughter...  
At the expense of the death of a bachelor..."

 **This** was his Batman? Really?

 _"I'm cutting my mind off_  
_It feels like my heart is going to burst..."_

The dark haired man whirled and wove between the tables, careless to all of the eyes on him though he pointedly avoided looking at what appeared to be Superman in a shit disguise. Had it really been this simple all along? Just a matter of a shift in perspective?  
The clown itched for one of the Joker-gas bombs in his pocket, nostrils flaring as he fantasized about rolling it under these pristine little tables, his eyes shutting as he pictured the green smoke enveloping these fools and forcing smiles on their faces, all while his Batman had to croon for him.

_"Alone at a table for two and I just wanna be served.."_

Would he cut this song short, those bright blue eyes going too wide before running off for some shit reason to pull the cowl on?  
Had be really been legitimately duped and wait--!! Maybe Bruce Wayne and Batman were identical twins!!  
Weirder things surely had happened (and most certainly would, in Gotham city)-- but, no.

 _"And when you think of me am I the best you've ever had?_  
_Share one more drink with me, smile even though you're sad..."_

Bruce turned, facing back towards the table the clown sat at and began his slow saunter towards the taller man, the side of his mouth turned up in a smirk as he sang on, seemingly oblivious to the soft chatter around him, the copious drinking-- and it made a laugh bubble past the Joker's lips, then another, a wild cackle leaving him as he gripped the tumbler of whiskey sour tighter,  
'Ah, the hell with it...' Was one of the fleeting thoughts that left him as he knocked back the rest of the drink and slid his right hand into the breast pocket of his vest.

  
_"I'm walking the long road, watching the sky fall_  
_The lace in your dress tingles my neck, how do I live?"_

  
The smoke bomb he pulled out was the size of a quarter-- a perfect little sphere that had a nearly undetectable detonator button and rolled it across the top of his fingers, beneath the edge of the table. He watched, the smile on his still tingling lips reaching his eyes, making the corners crinkle at little as he kept his gaze on the man in black.

This was Batman, huh.

His hand fell casually beneath the table and with a flick of his wrist the ball went bouncing, then rolling, stopping who the hell knew where-- but the smoke should start billowing out in about twenty more seconds...

This stupid, handsome, rich, INSANELY rich asshole who was just yards from him was Batman? 

 _"The death of a bachelor_  
_Ohh..._  
_Seems so fitting for..."_

Bruce's head cocked to the side, the words automatically leaving him and he watched in his periphery as Diana and Clark began to corral the other planted guests up, the subtle move of the twenty or so people filtering down the stairs, single file as the green smoke began to billow gloriously behind Mr.Wayne.

Good GOD, he just, stole the damn show, didn't he...?

The Joker shifted in his seat, endeavoring to sit up straight but damn, did he feel warm and relaxed... This felt too good, too comfortable. 

Wait a second. 

 _"Happily ever after..._ oohhhh  
_How could I ask for more?"_

The clown shifted again, his head whipping to the side but it felt too slow, too sluggish-- there were motion lines following Bruce Batwayne-man and the villain held up his right hand, finger pointed towards the sky as the roof was blanketed in green smog.

"Ehhh... I feel kinda funny..."

And like that, the viridian haired man's head fell to the table with a thunk, his body slumping forward.

  
_"A lifetime of laughter_  
_At the expense of the death of a bachelor..."_ Left Bruce Wayne's mouth and he smirked at his foe, head tipped to the side as he reached out with his microphone and prodded the unconscious man. 

**Good.**

 "Alfred!!! He's ready!" 

**Author's Note:**

> \+ The Joker has a weird infatuation with Bruce Wayne – Something about the billionaire (And not even the money) calls to him. Maybe it’s his open handsomeness, or how much of a pushover he seems to be. Maybe it’s because if he holds his hand up just right, the lower half of that Adonis-grade face reminds him of the man that makes his blood boil. Bruce just seems more… attainable? So, because of this, whenever there is some kind of Bruce Wayne Event, he finds a way to infiltrate it. In disguise of course. Lowest-Key-Possible. He doesn’t want to get noticed (For once) or kicked out or even really let the guy know he’s there.. but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. there is a ball or a gala, he attends. 
> 
> Bruce… knows this. In fact, much to Alfred’s chagrin, he makes it kind of easy for the Joker to get in– the first time, which was years ago, he was very uneasy but he’d only met the clown’s eyes, they hadn’t talked or even gotten physically close, but he knew (How could he not?) and since the clown had only really just observed (and eaten, a bunch) he figured… why not. Better to keep an eye on him in an environment that he was in control of. So this naturally leads to Bruce throwing a lot of parties. Maybe once or twice a month, but for a socialite, it’s quite a bit and it sets a social precedence. 
> 
> He also likes to fuck with this little sneaky shit so he’ll throw themed parties to specifically mess with the Joker. Drag Ball. Everyone-Dressed-As-Batman Ball, (ego trip #1) Everyone-Dressed-as-Joker (Ego trip #2) and so on and clown still hasn’t quite figured out that Bruce is Batman – yet. But is totally falling for him over time. A man I don’t want to kill! They casually bond over how much better Batman is than Superman, a love that he didn’t know that they shared. The real struggle for Batman is to not let his growing affection for the Joker convolute how they interact when they are fighting. 
> 
> Bruce figures something big is happening to them when the Joker cuts out of a fight early to get ready for a Bruce Wayne Gala (without admitting that he has other plans) etc. this is gonna kill me.


End file.
